Lately

lately has not been good. it's been deceptively good for a few weeks, but inevitably it just goes to hell like everything usually does in my life, and for some reason i didn't see it coming, again.

so first there's spending all this nice time with a girl and forming a band with her and getting really close, but now, for me it seems to be falling apart. going along with what usually happens to people who know me with time, our conversations are not as exciting, our time spent together is not as memorable. and i have no idea how to change it. i really tried on this one. to add to this, i have a job interview today at downtown disney, and if i get that ill be even less available, not that it matters as im already losing yet another close connection i couldve had here at home.

there's also been this big psychology project that i've had weeks to do. naturally, i shunned it until two days before it is due. i might not be able to finish certain elements of it that might require appointments to be made ahead of time. so there is also that.

in order to deal with this, i have wanted to go back to smoking. but i quit for the girl's sake. she doesnt know that, but i did. so now, im back to my good ol' standard of 500 mg rapid release tylenol. 6-8 of these little helpers and im relatively numbed from any anxiety for a good hour or so. that's it. and lately ive been doing this 3-4 times a day. im probably developing something harmful like addiction or liver damage. but im at a loss right now. as of this post, i have taken up to 16 pills, and at least 36 pills in the past 72 hours.

this week is crucial. im losing a girl (again), one that i actually appreciate having around and looks good. im messing up in school (again), and this semester might be my last. im realizing that all the prospect ive put into music is supported by nothing. i thought it would be easy for me, even more so with all of these terrible things happening, but the truth is im a sham. ill never amount to anything. so now (again), comes the big question: end it now, or hit the road? im seriously considering the first one for the first time in a year or so. at least if i survive ill get an extension on my assignment, maybe. right? elliott smith style, straight to the chest. or if i want to make myself suffer more ill hit the road and look for something. i wont even know what im looking for but ill be looking for it. its becoming more and more evident that im missing something that everyone knows about. they're all in on it. everyone knows how to deal with things like this except me. along with my adhd and my negativity, i lack some sort of major social protocol that helps you figure out and deal with problems like these, but it didnt develop for me. i just keep repeating the same mistakes without even knowing it.

on a side note, for the past two instances that my life was looking up and then took a turn for the worst, it has suddenly rained. the gods are laughing at me, clearly.